The five-minute habit happy couples share

Your partner is looking out of the window and says, "Oh, look at that bird." You can look up and say "where?", or you can keep scrolling and say "mm." It feels like nothing. According to some of the best-known research on couples, it might be close to everything.

Bids, and what you do with them

Psychologist John Gottman calls these little moments bids: any attempt to get your partner's attention, interest or affection. A comment about a bird. A sigh after a long day. A hand on your back as they walk past. A meme sent at lunchtime.

You can respond in one of three ways. You can turn toward the bid (look up, ask, smile, touch back). You can turn away (miss it or ignore it). Or you can turn against it ("can you not, I'm busy").

In a six-year study of newlyweds, couples who were still together at the end had turned toward each other's bids about 86% of the time. Couples who had divorced had done so about 33% of the time (The Gottman Institute). It's a link, not proof that bids alone keep a marriage together, but it's a striking one.

Many bids get missed not because anyone doesn't care, but because they're quiet. One partner hints; the other hears information, not an invitation. Both are fixable.

How to get better at it this week

1.Notice the small ones

For a few days, count how often your partner reaches for you, in tiny ways. Most people are surprised how many there are, and how many they've been missing.

2.Respond with something, anything

Turning toward doesn't need enthusiasm every time. "Ha, nice" while looking up is still turning toward. Silence is what hurts.

3.Make your own bids clearer

If you want attention, say so plainly. "Can I have a hug?" or "I want to tell you something funny" is much easier to answer than a sigh.

4.Put the phone face down at the big moments

Coming home, the first coffee, getting into bed. Five minutes of full attention at those three points covers a lot of bids.