How to fight fair

Every couple argues. About money, about chores, about whose turn it was to call the plumber. Arguing isn't the warning sign. The way you argue is.

It's decided in the first sentence

Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman say the first few minutes of an argument usually set the tone for the rest of it (NPR). Start with an attack and you get defence. Start softly and you get a conversation.

The Gottmans call the soft version a gentle start-up. It has three parts: how you feel, what happened, and what you need.

Same complaint. One is an accusation; the other is a request. Only one of them gets the dishes done.

The rules

1.Complain about the thing, not the person

"The bins didn't go out" is a complaint. "You're so lazy" is a character attack. The first can be fixed by Thursday. The second can't be fixed at all.

2.Ban "always" and "never"

They're almost never true, so they start a second argument about whether it's true, and the real problem gets lost.

3.No eye-rolling, no sneering

Mockery and contempt hurt more than shouting. The Gottmans count contempt among the most damaging behaviours in a relationship. If you catch yourself doing it, stop and say sorry on the spot.

4.Take a break before it boils over

When your heart is racing, you stop listening. Say "I need twenty minutes, then I want to finish this," and actually come back. A break isn't walking out; it's pressing pause.

5.Find the part you agree with

"You're right that I said I'd do it" takes the heat out of the room faster than anything. You can still disagree with the rest.

6.Make up properly

A joke, a hug, "I'm sorry I snapped." Repairing quickly matters more than winning. Couples who can laugh halfway through a fight usually come out of it closer.

Both sides want the same thing: to feel safe enough to keep talking. Gentle start-ups make it safe to listen; one topic at a time makes it safe to answer.