Meeting the family this Christmas, from both sides
The first big holiday with their people. What to bring, what to avoid, how to survive the awkward uncle, and what your partner owes you.
The Love Desk · 2 min read
You've been invited for Christmas. Which is wonderful, and means you're serious, and also means four days of being politely assessed by people who knew your partner when they had braces. Breathe. Families are usually more nervous about you than you are about them.
If you're the guest
1.Bring something, and something small
A nice bottle, a box of good chocolates, a plant. Ask your partner what their parent would genuinely like. A thoughtful small gift beats an expensive generic one.
2.Offer to help, twice
Offer to help in the kitchen. If they say no, offer again later with something specific: "Can I at least dry up?" Nobody forgets the guest who did the dishes.
3.Ask about them
Ask how they met. Ask to see old photos. Ask the dad about whatever he's obviously proud of. People love being asked about themselves, and it takes the spotlight off you.
4.Pace the drinking
Match the room, then stay one behind. You want to be "lovely," not "lively."
5.Take a breather
A walk, a nap, a quiet ten minutes. It's not rude to need a break from people you met yesterday.
If it's your family
This is the part people forget. Your partner is in unfamiliar territory with your people. Your job is to be their ally.
- Brief them first: names, sore subjects, the cousin who's going through a divorce, the grandad who'll ask about their job.
- Don't abandon them. No disappearing with your siblings for two hours.
- Have a signal for "rescue me." A word, a look, a hand on the arm.
- Back them up. If someone makes a snide comment, you deal with it, not them.
"I can handle his mum. What I can't handle is him vanishing to play video games with his brother while I'm stuck making small talk."
"I'm honestly more nervous than she is. I want my family to love her, and I want her to love them. I'd better brief her on Uncle Pete."
When it goes wrong
Someone asks when you're getting married. Someone mentions your partner's ex. Someone talks politics at the table. Smile, deflect ("ha, one holiday at a time!"), change the subject, and laugh about it together later. Every couple has a "first Christmas" story. Make it a funny one.
Bottom line
Bring something small, help with the dishes, ask about them, and stick together. The family is far more nervous about you than you think.
