Jealousy: when it's normal and when it's a red flag

Romance novels love a jealous hero. The growl, the "you're mine," the glare at the man who dared to talk to her. On the page, it's delicious. In real life, it's a different story, and knowing the difference is one of the most important things in dating. (Our rule, as ever: love him on the page, not in your flat.)

Normal jealousy

A pang when your partner's ex likes their photo. A flicker when someone flirts with them at a party. Feeling a bit left out when they spend every weekend with a new friend. These are human. They come from caring about someone and not wanting to lose them.

What makes jealousy healthy is what you do next: notice it, maybe mention it calmly, and let it pass.

When it becomes a red flag

Jealousy turns into control when it starts limiting the other person's life. Watch for:

• Checking your phone, messages or location.
• Getting angry or sulking when you see friends without them.
• Telling you what to wear "so people don't get the wrong idea."
• Accusing you of cheating without any reason.
• Making you feel you have to report where you are.
• Cutting you off, little by little, from people who love you.

Any one of these, repeated, is not love. It's control dressed up as care.

If you're the jealous one

• Own it: the feeling is yours to manage, not your partner's job to prevent.
• Say it, don't act it: "I'm feeling insecure" beats checking their phone.
• Ask what you need: reassurance, a bit more time together, a text when they're out late.
• Look at the root: past betrayal, low confidence or anxiety are common. A counsellor can help.