What makes her feel loved, and what makes him

Here's a common story. He shows love by fixing her bike, filling up her car, sorting the bins. She shows love by asking about his day and planning their weekend. Both of them love the other deeply. Both of them sometimes feel unloved. Because each is giving love in their own language and listening for it in a different one.

What often makes her feel loved

• Being listened to, properly: phone down, follow-up questions, remembered later.
• Being thought of when apart: "saw this and thought of you," a text before a big meeting.
• Plans made for her: a date booked, a weekend sorted. Effort is the message.
• Help without being asked: noticing the dishes, the forgotten errand, the tired face.
• Being chosen in public: his hand finding hers at a party, being introduced proudly.

What often makes him feel loved

• Being appreciated for what he does, out loud: "thank you for sorting that, it really helped."
• Being wanted: her starting the kiss, the touch, the evening.
• Being admired: pride in his work, his ideas, the way he handled something.
• Time doing things side by side: a walk, a game, a project. Closeness without a big talk.
• Being trusted to handle things, without being managed.

Plenty of people of either gender find themselves on the "other" list, of course. These are tendencies, not rules. Which is exactly why asking beats guessing.

How to find out your partner's

Ask three questions, on a calm evening:

The third question is the gold. The answers are often surprising and always useful. (For more of the everyday stuff, see the five-minute habit happy couples share.)