What she wishes he knew in bed, and what he wishes she knew

Here's a number worth knowing. In a large US survey of more than 52,000 adults, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasm during sex with a partner. For heterosexual women, it was 65% (Frederick et al., 2018). Lesbian women reported 86%, which suggests the gap is less about women's bodies than about what happens in the bed.

The same study looked at what the women who orgasmed more often were doing differently. The list is refreshingly practical: more oral sex, longer sex, deep kissing, trying new positions, asking for what they wanted, and praising their partner for something they did. In other words, more variety, more time, more talking.

What she wishes he knew

1.Slower is better, especially at the start

Arousal often builds more gradually for women. Rushing to the main event skips the part that makes it work.

2.Penetration alone usually isn't enough

For many women, it isn't how orgasm happens. Hands, mouths and toys aren't extras or a warm-up; they're often the point.

3.Asking isn't unsexy

"Like this?" said softly is one of the hottest things a man can say. Guessing in silence is how bad sex stays bad.

4.Consistency matters

When something's working, keep doing it. Changing rhythm just as it's working is a classic complaint.

What he wishes she knew

1.He wants directions

Lots of men are guessing and would love to be told. A word, a guiding hand, a "yes, there" is a gift, not a criticism.

2.Being wanted is a turn-on

Her starting things, telling him he looks good, making the first move. Being desired matters to men too, and it's easy to forget to say so.

3.Feedback after is welcome, if it's kind

"That thing you did? More of that" will be remembered forever.

4.Pressure kills the mood for him as well

Performance anxiety is real. Laughing together and taking the stakes down helps both of you.

Read those side by side and the "gap" starts to look like a communication problem with an easy fix. Need the words? Start with how to ask for what you want in bed.

Source: Frederick DA, John HKS, Garcia JR, Lloyd EA. "Differences in orgasm frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a U.S. national sample." Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2018. General information for adults, not medical advice.